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| The Count of Monte Cristo - Purple Penguin (19/04/2002 12:10:39 AM) |
There should be laws against this sort of movie. Seriously. Apart from arrogant pricks that drive BMWs and bleeding-heart wankers that want you to believe that drug addicts are victims, rather than the self centred criminal scum that they really are, there is nothing shits me more than when some artsy-fartsy, film making moron decides to turn a great book into a shite movie.
As far as I’m concerned, The Count of Monte Cristo is the greatest book ever written. As such, I was looking forward to seeing the movie. Most people are familiar with the general story – decent, young guy, with an absolute sort for a fiancé, gets falsely accused of treason and left to rot in jail for years. He escapes, finds some treasure and becomes ludicrously rich. Understandably, the poor boy is rancidly pissed off and more than a tad vengeful, and so sets out to destroy everyone responsible for screwing him over. Sounds like it would be a good movie. So what went wrong?
I’ll start with James Caviezel, who plays the main character Edmond Dantes with as much flaccid enthusiasm and interest as a room full of guys forced to watch feminine hygiene product ads. He did nothing for me. Nothing.
Now Guy Pearce – there’s someone I recognise. He actually plays the pathetically arrogant, poncy, vindictive wanker, Fernand quite well. Too well, actually. I hated him. I really did. Now I'm guessing that we aren’t supposed to like his character; but when he annoys you so much that you would rather be doing some washing, gardening, or patchwork quilting, you know something is wrong. Guy’s best work was in Neighbours or possibly Ravenous; but not here.
The worst thing about this vomitus excuse for cinema, is how these bastards have taken a powerful and compelling story and completely fucked it up. As I remember, the book ends with Dantes getting revenge on all and sundry, but realising, after he has destroyed everyone, that he has also destroyed his dignity, and realises that all this revenge stuff isn’t as satisfying and fulfilling as he thought. So of course this movie quite naturally changes the ending, so that Dantes gets the girl, gets the money, gets a kid and walks off into the sunset to live happily ever after. What the…??? I was irate - outraged even - that a fantastic story was destroyed by glossing it up with the sort of Hollywood-scripted, happily-ever-after ending that is designed to appeal to the sorts of Tori Spelling-IQ level, illiterate morons that think Britney Spears can act, and think Big Brother is must-see-TV. Creative interpretation? Get stuffed.
To conclude, this movie sucked. Have a Kit Kat. Have a wank. Do some charity work. Do anything, but do not waste your hard-earned cash to pay and see this crap.
Penguin rating: 2 turnips.
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| It wasn't that bad... I suppose it maybe because I haven't seen the book.
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